Monday, March 18, 2013

Into the Abyss


Dear Adam,

Time will by so much faster than you expect it to. You were once a little boy playing with a toy vacuum at 2, playing with Barbies with your cousin at 8 to playing football with your friends at 12, to discovering masturbation  sex, work the existential reason to why you were put on earth. No answer to the last one though, still trying to figure that one out, doubt I ever will.

I hate time. I hated that I wasted so much of it crying every afternoon after school, feeling black and hopeless;it drowned all my energy. I wasn't ever energetic to begin with, I was just constantly drained, tired of my life. I never realized that what I had was good;I just perceived things as bad. The glasses I wore fogged up quite frequently and distorted the image of my world.

The thought of suicide swiveled in my mind, and so I thought this day will be my last. It was an easier choice out of things; it was a quicker painless choice. The thought of death terrified me but the thought of living as a gay boy freaked me out terribly.

 I looked to how the world would perceive my death. “Troubled Introverted Teen takes Life” would read the papers, deducing my reasoning and pain. My mother’s shocked face walking in to find me hanging like a limp dead-weight swaying slowly from the taught end of a stretched rope. My father a man with such few words would speak even less. My siblings would weep of the older brother they lost before they truly got to know.  I would get the attention that’s for sure,only for a day or two. Then things will go back to “normal” or whatever normal is. Things will be forgotten, I would not have to care and marry a spouse, to have sex with this woman and bear children. I wouldn't have to fit in the norms of society. I can relax, I can have peace.

I don’t understand why I never went through with it. I thought of many different ways of committing the crime, I must have been a coward  That must be it! I couldn't even do that right. I couldn't find the courage to face the world let alone face the burden that my family would bear.I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect child, homosexuality was just standing in my way of that. I am relieved the thoughts never carried me away  It saddens me to hear the news with all the suicides that happen over bullying  if only someone was there to tell them it will get better, it sun will shine brighter.

3 comments:

  1. great post, but fix the "space" issue :)

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  2. Thanks I have no clue why it did that :), thanks for the heads up.

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  3. I can see that you are a lot like me ... Be sure that you are strong , strong enough not to take the easy way and kill yourself ...

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